Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.
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its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”
Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.
My blood type is b hungry.
[ Blind date ]
Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.
Her: ummmm
Me: whatcha thinking?
Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.
It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
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COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
No chill.
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
[eulogy]
line?
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]