I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
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Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*
my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
my husband and I were running from a demon who was trying to kill us (in a video game) and I was about to die bc I couldn’t find a hiding spot but then my husband gave me his hiding spot and the demon killed him instead of me and I was like omg babe noo and then I looted his body
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?
-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.
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