Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good
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Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle
i wish i could marry a nap
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
My love language is deader than Latin
[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
just having fun
My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
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