self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings
elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races
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I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
Put my back out twerking in the library again
My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”
*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*
“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.