I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end
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Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
What the hell is going on?
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!
Anybody: I’d be happy to—
John Lennon: Not just anybody!
Anybody: Okay then.
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.