tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
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*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying
God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake:
God:
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?
#NoRestForTheWicked
[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.
What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?
I lost him to addiction.
Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?
Yes please.
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?
Me: No.
H: Who did then?
Me: Ninjas.
H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.
Me: They’re very good ninjas.
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.