She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.
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If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
“There’s no butter left”
“I don’t understand”
“I turned it into ghee”
“OK, thanks for clarifying”
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?