God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
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nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
Magazines are for your self esteem.
-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*