Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
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Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.
5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die
Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that:
Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
harry potter: i’m depressed
dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it
harry: yeah
dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets
People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.