Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
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“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
genie: your first wish?
me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me