Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
You Might Also Like
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
men, we mow at sunrise.
*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
My nickname in high school was “who?”
“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature
Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
#Caturday
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.
Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.
Women’s version: Body Soap
Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.