Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
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Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions