Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
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Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
[plane about to crash]
him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.
me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
[hospital burn unit]
doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor
me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]
(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name
My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying
I read a news article about a guy who bought a golden egg for $13k that turned out to be a Faberge egg worth $33 mil. Those kinds of lucky stories would never happen to me. There will never be a news story that says “Man finds lost Rembrandt painting inside bag of Doritos”.