I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
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I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
god: make a giant mouse
angel: okay
god: with a baby carrier on it
angel: wh- why
god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff
angel: [nervously] what stuff
god: [hits joint] boxing
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.
I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
Lmfao
People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.