*accidentally clicks on the wrong internet browser*
INTERNET EXPLORER: OH YEAHHHHH! TIME TO SHAKE THE RUST OFF, BABY! WHO’S READY TO EXPLORE. THE. INTER-
*closes browser*
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I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…
Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*
Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.
3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”
1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
this will hang in the louvre one day