ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
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Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
[haunted house]
Me: I’m terrified
Jessica: is it the rattling chairs
Erica: is it the bleeding doors
Sarah: is it the possessed portraits
Kate: is it the shaking coffins
Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before
[dinner w/friends]
“How long you two been married?”
It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.
(pediatric emergency dept)
Me: what’s your name?
4yo boy: I wear size 11 dinosaur shoes and my socks are spiderman today, see? *takes off shoes, shows me socks*
Me: awesome, those are really cool
4yo boy: yeah, I know!
Mom: I promise he knows his name
The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.
The reason Batman doesn鈥檛 cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he鈥檚 white
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
hear me out : pockets for your socks
HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
Him: you鈥檙e not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don鈥檛 fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don鈥檛 fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON鈥橳 FIT, OK?!
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 馃槇
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
Me, after playing Hot Cross Buns on the recorder: Honestly I didn’t write that, it was a cover. I’m working on some originals though.
Lmbo
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I鈥檓 driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?