My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
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After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?
Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.
Friday night party time 🥳
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
This is sending me to another galaxy
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!