my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
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New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong
HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug
ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?
susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons
teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
In my meager defense, I was in no way aware the gingerbread houses were entries in a contest.
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.