ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
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My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.
Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.
Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.