I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
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I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”
My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
[Everyday]
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Hubs: what?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.
What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex
Alex: Having one wife too many
Me: What is bigamy
Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy
I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
Hot Panini is in big trouble
I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.