What kind of a cult is this?
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first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it
Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch
[camera zooms in]
Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*
Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better
me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.
Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”
a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired