*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
You Might Also Like
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
[before quarantine]
me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”
[5 weeks in quarantine]
me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”
I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS
My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
Trumpy Cat
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”