never compromise your values
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God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.
Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.
10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Sidewalks™
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves
Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
Found my door mat
Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.