[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
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Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.
Bartender: One more then?
Me: Yep
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.
Life of an Editor:
I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”
It was “sheepishly,” folks.
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*
Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*