Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
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God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody caressaying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
Me: I just really want to kick this habit
Therapist: You want to kick nuns?
Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction
Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?
Me: punching nuns
Intelligence is the new cleavage
Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?
My kids think I’m going to miss them when they leave for college, but I’ll be busy drinking my coffee while it’s still hot.
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
Ah yes. The three genders