Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
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Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people
So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj
Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.