I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
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I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
me: no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner
son: why not???
me: because
son: because you ate it all for lunch again?
me:
son:
me: if you don’t tell mom I’ll give you a popsicle for breakfast
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?
16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.
Me: 😊
16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: ok.
God: you have a great memory.
Elephant: what does that mean?
God: you never forget.
Elephant: didn’t I lend you $20 last week?
God:
Elephant:
God: [opening wallet] yOu NeVeR foRgEt good one God.
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
I know this now 😂
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?