all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone
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*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
Autocannibalism is self-serving.
Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
Otters see a butterfly.
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.
me: oh good what is it.
ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.
me: haha whoops.
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”
Thought “alright musical theatre queen”
Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.