Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
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a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.
Me: Oh, because of the virus?
Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.
Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.
I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?
Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
[marketing meeting]
me: what campaign are we working on today?
boss: spaghetti-o’s
me: uh oh
boss: say that again
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.