My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
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I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:
InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00
🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:
1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*
˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school
Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]