My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
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*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
Me: Did you watch it?
Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.
cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*
Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*
Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?
Victor Frankenstein: No.
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.