How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.
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Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah
Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful
Yup.
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
that colleague who touches your screen
Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like
“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield
Me too
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.
👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.