I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
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hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.
THERAPIST: That’s horrible.
ME: Yeah.
THERAPIST:
ME:
THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?
ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
forgive me baja for i have blast
this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
screw you
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’