ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
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Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..
synchronized noseblowing
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.
Coworker: What?
Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.
Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.
Me: Yes.
4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!
Me: Awwww, thank y—
4: It looks like a bug
Me:
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.
“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…
Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.
Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.
[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”