If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
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Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
Nobody:
Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
They’re stuck in your pants?
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
my son’s smart watch kept calling its emergency contact, me, and when I answered it sounded like a trunk on a highway so I called his dad who said he’s right here, and I heard him ask my son where his watch was, “in my pants pocket” and his dad yelled “the pants in the washer?!”
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.