You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
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2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
Dude just wanted a popsicle…
Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..
And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
How is it still this week?
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Emperor: What, someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.