HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]
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ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*
*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*
Genie: please don’t w-
Me: I wish for a third kite
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?