The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
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Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think
coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]
3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?
I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*