Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
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Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
My work here is don’t.
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
The happy life.. 😊
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….
… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.