My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
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‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus
Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
*trying to write a journal article*
*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
WIFE: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?
WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece
ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?
FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.