I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
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[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock
REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person
Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tvHusband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.
Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS