When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
You Might Also Like
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.
I’d … I’d rather not.
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*
Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
[ after a spat ]
Me: Are you still mad at me?
Her: I guess not.
Me: [ reaching for her ]
Good!!!
Her:
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory