Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
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My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
only 11 steps left
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people
ME: way ahead of you
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…
I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.
…So I’ve got like 4 hours left
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.