I was up all night reading about insomnia
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911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot
Follow me for more fitness tips.
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared
Child: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*
“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
Star Trek almost inventing the cellphone
ST Writer: Why would he give up his communicator when he was back on the ship? Why wouldn’t he keep it all the time so he could talk to anyone from anywhere at any time?
ST Head Writer: That’s just stupid.
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?