I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
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Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?
ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.
HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought
😂 amazing answer
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.