King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
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My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
There are 2 kinds of parents
“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”
and
“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks