My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
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“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.
7-year-old: Yeah.
Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?
7: I come here to relax, not work.
My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
vegan witches, happy halloween!
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?
Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic
recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers
Doctor: You mean selfish?
[30 crabs come out of my pants]
Doctor: Haha here’s some cream