*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
You Might Also Like
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
People with no volume control stress me out.
I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*