A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
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[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.
Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
my kids are suddenly asking why the leprechaun didn’t bring them anything or cause any chaos in our house and apparently me yelling “we aren’t Irish!!” isn’t a good enough explanation?
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important
[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
Me: Excuse me
Waiter: Yes?
M: The wine’s corked
W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed
M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager
*gets struck by lightning
ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs
[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.