drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
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Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.
Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
Become a minion. Get that bread.
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
[walks into kitchen]
Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops
I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support
Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.